Snippets from the Konoha Classroom
by Dreaming Knightess
Summary: Shinobi guest speakers come to Konoha Academy to speak about special topics. Naturally, this plan backfires horribly. Crack. Lesson 1: Doujutsu, Sasuke and Hinata. Lesson 2: Ninja weapons, Tenten. Lesson 2, part 2: Ninja weapons, Anko.
1. Doujutsu with Sasuke and Hinata

**AN**: Another little project that I began and will probably never finish. Takes place in a silly little AU world full of plot holes where the Uchihas are happily thriving in Konoha and apparently all the evil supervillains are super chill and not trying to murder everyone.

**Warning**: CRACK

**Notes:**

-chan: the suffix generally used with familiar people or to people younger than you

-san: the suffix generally used to show respect

-sama: the suffix generally used to show super respect, like to a lord

teme: a derogatory way to address someone

dobe: loser/idiot

**Edit:** 5/21/2013 to fix the line breaks.

* * *

Tsunade looked down at the Konoha Academy schedule Shizune was shoving under her nose in mild confusion. "What is it?"

"M'lady, the Academy's supposed to have a shinobi guest speaker once a week," Shizune announced.

"So what?" the Hokage demanded, snatching the papers away from her assistant.

"You'll have to send some shinobi for this afternoon. Iruka-sensei said he was too busy to find a speaker."

"I guess I can find a couple of ninja to assign to a D-rank," Tsunade conceded, tossing the papers aside. "What's the topic today?"

"Doujutsu, m'lady."

Tsunade glanced down at the list of available ninja. "Send Uchiha Sasuke and…Hyuuga Hinata," she decided, pushing the papers off her desk without a second thought. "Next!"

* * *

"Alright class, we have a really exciting topic today. It's about doujutsu. Does anybody know what doujutsu is?"

A hand shot up in the air. Iruka smiled at the owner of the hand, a small white-eyed girl. "It's eye jutsu!" she breathed excitedly. "Just like mine."

"That's right, Haruko."

Haruko beamed excitedly.

"And today I'm proud to introduce two of my former students who are experts on this subject, Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Hinata!"

Slight applause as Sasuke stalked into the room and Hinata followed him, trying to hide in his shadow. Then a potent silence as two of the most awkwardly taciturn shinobi in Konoha stood in front of the room, one sporting an annoyed glare and the other nervously poking her fingers together.

"…So, uh, Sasuke-san, what's your doujutsu called?" Iruka prompted, trying to break the awkward tension.

"Hn," the Uchiha grunted in response.

"…uh, okay, class, does anyone know what Sasuke-san's doujutsu is called?"

Complete and utter silence for about thirty seconds before Iruka answered his own question. "It's called the Sharingan, guys. Sasuke-san, will you show us?"

Sasuke wordlessly activated his characteristic red pupils, three tomoe spinning around lazily. The class gasped in amazement, clapping.

Iruka prodded Hinata, forcing her to move from her hiding spot behind Sasuke's slouching form. "And does anyone know what Hinata-san's doujutsu is called?"

Haruko excitedly thrust her hand up in the air. "Byakugan!" she squealed excitedly.

"That's perfect. Hinata-san?"

"O-of course," Hinata replied with a shaky smile. She made several handsigns and the veins around her eyes bulged. The entire class immediately began craning their necks to try and glimpse the infamous Byakugan.

"Hinata-san, I'm afraid you'll have to look up at the class so they can see," Iruka said patiently.

Sasuke hid a smirk at Hinata's embarrassed blush as she lifted her eyes from the floor to show the class. "S-sorry!" she exclaimed.

"And does anyone know what the Sharingan can do?" Iruka asked the class, shooting Sasuke a "please-say-something" look. Most of the class shook their heads, not having an Uchiha year mate.

Sasuke scowled at the class's ignorance. "It can analyze the jutsu of other shinobi."

"What does that mean, Sasuke-san?" one of the boys breathed, looking admiringly at the red pupils.

He thought about it for a moment, trying to find the most concise and impressive answer. "I can copy other jutsu and cast genjutsu."

"Will you show us, Sasuke-san?"

"Yeah, please show us!"

"C'mon!"

The Uchiha sniffed in annoyance, twitching at their high-pitched voices. He would, in fact, _love_ to demonstrate one of his more violent genjutsus, but instead shrugged indifferently.

Iruka was beaming at the class's enthusiasm. "Why don't we have a demonstration outside? How about it, Sasuke-san?"

"Hn," Sasuke grunted.

Iruka took that as an affirmative grunt. "And what about you, Hinata-san?"

Hinata had managed to slide back behind Sasuke again, and jumped as Iruka addressed her. "O-okay," she agreed reluctantly, wondering when class would end. At least she hadn't fainted yet; the clan would be terribly embarrassed if she fainted because of twenty-odd children.

"Okay, class, let's go to the play yard!"

Sasuke didn't waste any time and leapt out the open window to escape the excited chatter. Hinata fled behind him, glad to get the students' eyes off her for a minute.

* * *

The class rushed to the play ground, where Sasuke was brooding under a tree, and Hinata was lurking behind the same tree.

Iruka smiled kindly at a little girl. "Will you do something for Sasuke-san to copy?" She nodded and rushed forward excitedly, doing a weird sort of jig-dance.

The annoyed expression on Sasuke's face became a murderous one as he watched the little girl finish her twirling frenzy. Iruka had to hide a grin. "Well, Sasuke-san, think you're up to the task?"

"Che," Sasuke sighed, not moving from the shade of the tree.

"Aw, c'mon!"

"I bet he can't do it," one of the kids whispered. "Pathetic."

Sasuke twitched, trying to decide between shaming himself or…shaming himself. He gritted his teeth and stepped into the middle of the kids, performing the humiliating dance.

The class gave him a raucous round of applause, poor repayment for what he had just done. He shot the entire class a murderous glare and shoved his hands into his pockets violently.

"And now it's Hinata-san's turn!" Iruka announced when the applause had died down. Hinata reluctantly appeared from behind the tree. "And what can your Byakugan do?"

"A-ano…B-Byakugan can…see things," Hinata stuttered.

A few of the people in the class snickered. "That's stupid!"

"Hey, don't insult Hinata-sama!" Haruko snapped, smacking one of the bad-mouthers on the head. "It can do lots of things, right? Like look at far away things, or through people's clothes!"

An ominous hush fell when the class heard that.

"Can it really see through _clothes_?"

"Heh, okay, class, let's not ask Hinata-san to do inappropriate things—" Iruka began, but it was too late.

"What color underwear is Sasuke-san wearing?" a little girl asked, obviously a fangirl despite her young age.

"I d-don't th-think I sh-should answer th-that…" Hinata politely began.

"C'mon, don't be _stupid_, Hinata-chan, show them!" a new voice exclaimed. The entire class turned its heads towards the approaching figure, whose trademark orange suit identified him as Naruto.

"N-naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered, blushing heavily.

"_Naruto_, don't encourage them," Iruka hissed, rounding on the shinobi, who merely flashed a sunny grin.

"I bet she can't do it!" a few doubtful classmates sneered.

"Yeah, she can!" Haruko insisted. "Hinata-sama's the best, and when I become a kunoichi, I'm going to protect her! Show them, Hinata-sama!" she pleaded as her classmates sniggered at her.

Hinata's eyes slid to the green brand on Haruko's forehead marking her as a Branch house member, and then to the dark, disbelieving looks of Haruko's classmates. The little girl's eyes began to tear up at her classmates' jeers. Iruka was too busy trying to restrain Naruto from causing any more trouble to help Haruko. She smiled sympathetically at Haruko, shot Sasuke an apologetic look and whispered, "Byakugan!"

Now, Sasuke was in an interesting predicament. He had woken up this morning to an annoying messenger giving him an "emergency mission", which turned out to be this stupid, D-ranked "teach-the-kids" fiasco. He had tried to get dressed, only to find that every single pair of underwear in his house had disappeared. He had tried to borrow Itachi's underwear, only to be turned down.

"Sorry, Sasuke, someone stole all my underwear," Itachi replied in that same apathetic manner that he used to do everything, from murdering enemies to dicing tomatoes. He set off on his ANBU mission, unfazed, and apparently underpantsless.

Sasuke had even asked his father, who had replied in puzzlement that his underwear had also disappeared. His mother, on the other hand, had cheerfully replied that she had some extras in her dresser. Sasuke had checked her dresser, seen the unbelievably lacy numbers (why was his _mother_ wearing this stuff? She was forty, for God's sakes!), and decided to obtain his underwear from elsewhere.

Unfortunately, he had been running too late for this mission to stop by the clothing store, and had had to come directly to the Academy, where he was now standing, underwearless, with a Byakugan-user turning her eyes towards his groin.

"Don't do it, Hyuuga," Sasuke growled in a dangerous tone, narrowing his red eyes.

Too late. Hinata released a little squeal of horror, covering her eyes.

_Thank God he hadn't been wearing his mom's underwear_.

"What did you see?" the class asked excitedly.

"T-t-t-t-too m-m-m-much!…U-uchiha-san…isn't w-wearing underw-wear," Hinata squealed, clutching at her eyes and trying to hide her blush.

The entire class burst into laughter, Naruto included.

"That's _so_ much cooler than the Sharingan!"

"The Sharingan is so _stupid_."

"Sasuke-san doesn't wear underwear," the little fangirl sighed, giggling happily. Her friends laughed along with her.

"What happened to your underwear, teme?" Naruto howled, flashing a mischievous grin and revealing himself as the underwear thief.

"Language, Naruto!" Iruka admonished.

"Why don't you check the flagpole, Sasuke?" Naruto continued, pointing to the school flagpole. Every single pair of Sasuke's, Itachi's, and Fugaku's underwear, branded with little flames and Uchiha fans, was flapping gently in the wind. How Naruto had managed to infiltrate the Uchiha compound and accomplish such a feat of sneakiness, no one knew, not that Sasuke was too concerned about that at the moment.

"Dobe!" Sasuke growled, leaping at the prankster. Naruto skipped out of the way, disappearing in a puff of smoke before Sasuke could exact revenge.

Iruka settled the class down by bellowing "QUIET!"

The class, unused to seeing Iruka's rage, settled down immediately.

"So class, what did you guys think?"

"Awesome!"

"What's better, the Sharingan or the Byakugan?" an innocent little boy asked.

A class full of six-year-olds is a poor judge of jutsu quality, and would much rather have the ability to look at people's underwear than to copy stupid dances.

"The Byakugan, duh!" Haruko exclaimed. The class muttered an agreement.

"A-ano, Uchiha-san i-is an e-excellent shinobi, m-much b-better th-than me," Hinata defended, trying to make up for her earlier transgression. Sasuke shot her a murderous look, letting her know that she wasn't off the hook.

"Yeah," Sasuke's new fangirls piped up. "Sasuke-kun's _awesome!_"

"Show us who's better!"

"Yeah! Fight, fight, fight!" the class chanted.

Sasuke was all too happy to comply. He unsheathed his katana and leveled it at Hinata's chest. "Ready to be humiliated, Hyuuga?"

"Sasuke, there's no need to do that," Iruka said soothingly, trying to break the two shinobi apart.

"Come on, Hinata-sama! Show them what you're made of!" Hinata glanced at Haruko's expectant little face again, and then at Naruto, perched high upon the flagpole watching the chaos unfold eagerly. Determination lit her soft features.

"I'll do m-my best," she acquiesced, bowing slightly to Sasuke. She glanced at Iruka, who sighed wearily and nodded his consent.

"Keep it friendly, you two," he warned.

"Byakugan!" she called out, veins bulging around her eyes for the third time. The kunoichi settled into her jyuuken stance.

Sasuke didn't waste any time casting a particularly nasty genjutsu. He smirked when he saw her freeze, trembling slightly at the paralyzingly awful illusion he had cast upon her. The Uchiha scoffed at the easiness with which he had beat her, quickly stepping behind her and putting her in a headlock with the sharp edge of his katana leaning against her neck. He started when he felt her move suddenly.

Hinata had dispelled the genjutsu as soon as Sasuke had cast it, and waited for her moment. The kunoichi leapt into action, placing purposeful fingers against the tenketsu in his arms.

Sasuke leapt away, blocked tenketsu stinging painfully. His chidori and katon were useless to him now. He glared at Hinata, who was watching him with narrowed eyes. She wouldn't fool him again, he decided and settled into a defensive stance.

"Go, Hinata-chan!" Naruto cheered from his perch.

She seemed to take heart from that, mouth tightening as she initiated an attack. "Jyuuken, Twin Lion Fists!" she cried, circling behind him.

The jaw of the lion nicked his sleeve, but Sasuke smirked and sidestepped the attack. He swept his leg under hers, knocking her off-balance and initiating a round of taijutsu. She managed to seal off a few more of his tenketsu, but with a second kick to her knees, Sasuke threw her to the ground, leaping on top of her.

He straddled her, sword pressed against her cheek. Her pale skin was flushed in exertion and her mouth was open slightly as she panted. "I win, Hyuuga," Sasuke mocked.

"Wow, are they going to kiss?" a little girl squealed excitedly.

Sasuke's eyes snapped to the speaker sharply. "_What_?" he intoned darkly.

"In all the movies I watch, whenever this happens, the two shinobi always stop fighting and kiss!" the little girl explained.

"That's so romantic!" her female classmates squealed in agreement while her male peers gagged.

Hinata, up to this point, had admirably not fainted despite all of the embarrassing situations she had been in. This, however, was too much. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she lost consciousness. Sasuke scoffed at her weakness, and rose, a slight pink tinge dusting his cheeks. "Che, useless!"

"Hey, don't say that about Hinata-sama!" Haruko shrieked, pummeling the Uchiha's shins.

Sasuke had had enough. He raised his eyebrow in annoyance and lifted his sword.

Iruka finally decided to step in, coughing nervously. "Well, uh, everyone in the class thank Sasuke-san and Hinata-san, alright?"

With a great amount of restraint, Sasuke sheathed his katana and strode back over to Hinata, where he nudged her awake with his foot. She sat up, face tomato red and unable to meet the eyes of the children.

"Are they going to come back tomorrow?" a little boy asked excitedly.

"I think not," Iruka laughed nervously. "Thank you, Sasuke-san and Hinata-san."

"Thank you," the class chorused in disappointment as Iruka ushered them back inside.

"Don't be disappointed, class. Next week, we're going to have a guest speaker teach us about ninja weapons."


	2. Ninja Weapons with Tenten

**A/N:** Part 2. In which Tenten terrorizes Iruka's class with ninja weapons.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters. I simply like to explore the concept of Naruto characters being completely inept at teaching children.

* * *

"Class, please welcome our guest speaker Tenten-san!" Iruka announced.

The kunoichi appeared at the front of the classroom in a puff of smoke, bowing deeply. "Good morning, children."

"Tenten-san has all sorts of weapons, and she knows how to use them all," Iruka continued.

The girl grinned, pulling the heavy scroll off her back and unraveling a 3-meter portion, draping it over her arm. She bit her thumb and summoned a small shuriken, twirling it around her index finger casually. The class "ooh"ed at the appearance of the weapon. "This is a shuriken. It's a common shinobi throwing weapon. It's very, very sharp. Does anyone want to see it up close?" Tenten offered with a tantalizing grin.

Dozens of hands shot into the air. Iruka chose to reward the best-behaved student of the week, a frail boy with an unruly mop of red hair.

"Alright, stand right there against the wall," Tenten ordered, guiding him to the front of the classroom and positioning him with his back against the wall. The boy looked up at her with adoration. "You have to stay very, very still, okay?" she told him kindly.

"Thank you, Tenten-san," the little boy whispered, nodding fervently.

"You're welcome!" The kunoichi patted him on the head affectionately and then leapt backwards to land on top of Iruka's desk. "As you kids may have heard…" She unrolled another two meters of the scroll.

Iruka eyed Tenten in mild confusion, realization dawning on him a little too slowly.

"…I have the best aim in Konoha…" A swipe across the summoning patterns with her still bleeding thumb.

At this, Iruka rose and leapt towards Tenten, but it was too late. "Stop!"

"…I never miss my target!" A myriad of very sharp, very pointy, and very not-child-safe shuriken flew towards the boy, forming a neat outline around his quavering body. Tenten twirled the shuriken on her index finger one last time before flinging it across the room. It thudded harmlessly into the wall 2 millimeters from the boy's pulsing carotid artery.

Iruka sagged in relief and hurried over to the redhead to begin prying the weapons out of the wall around the child. There was a smattering of applause from a few of the braver students. The other students began muttering, and one of the girls in the front row began crying.

Tenten grinned endearingly at the class, ignoring their lukewarm reaction. "Thank you, everybody! I'll be happy to answer any questions. Or show you more weapons. Shuriken are basic weapons! I have many more!" She began unrolling her summoning further, patiently waiting for the questions to come.

No one dared move for the fear of drawing attention to themselves. Misinterpreting their lack of enthusiasm, Tenten crossed her arms across her chest. "Hmph, I guess that wasn't impressive enough, huh?" In a flash, she summoned a handful of kunai with explosive tags hanging on them. "Now these kunai create quite a bang! If the kunai itself doesn't kill your target, the ensuing explosion usually will!" she lectured happily.

The little girl in the front row began crying harder.

"We'll finish up this lesson tomorrow! Class dismissed!" Iruka shouted urgently. "Thank you for your time, Tenten-san!"

The entire class made a mad rush for the door.

Pouting, Tenten put her kunai away. With her hands on her hips, she complained, "I was just about to get to the cool part, Iruka-sensei!"


	3. Ninja Weapons part 2 with Anko

**A/N**: Part 2 of Ninja Weapons. More crack, this time featuring Anko.

**Disclaimer**: I. No. Own.

* * *

After the debacle with Tenten (the little boy had needed one of the Yamanakas to erase his memory), Iruka decided to speak to the next guest teacher in order to (theoretically) prevent any disasters. He found his target happily eating dango and sipping sake at the local café.

"Look, Anko, I know you've been assigned to do a segment on ninja weapons with my class tomorrow. Please don't bring anything dangerous to class. Nothing, you know, sharp and pointy," he begged.

"Isn't the purpose of weapons to be sharp and pointy?" she shot back, raising an eyebrow.

"Just…please," Iruka implored. "We had a little…incident the last time someone brought weapons in."

The kunoichi considered his request for a moment. "Sure thing. I'm creative," Anko replied, flashing a grin around her mouthful of dango. "I'll be there tomorrow, 10AM sharp." She flicked the dango stick at Iruka like a senbon, nicking the tip of his hair.

The Acadey teacher shot a nervous grin at her, but she had already left after giving him a flippant wave.

* * *

"Class. We have a very accomplished kunoichi speaking to us today. Please welcome Anko Mitarashi! She's a special jounin who is going to finish teaching us about ninja weapons!" Iruka announced enthusiastically. He scrawled Anko's name on the board, underneath the letters that pronounced the day's lesson: Ninja Weapons, continued.

Unsurprisingly, no one clapped.

"Is she going to be scary like the other lady?" one of the kids piped up. At the mention of Tenten, someone began to cry.

"I'm pretty scary," Anko interjected, strolling into the classroom right on cue.

"No no no," Iruka reassured the class. "Anko-san's very…nice." He stared at the woman for a moment. Did she usually have her trench coat buttoned up all the way? He shrugged off the voice in his head screaming "DANGER DANGER DANGER" (she had _promised_ to be safe after all) and smiled. "Right, Anko-san?"

"I'm actually _not_ very nice, but since Iruka-sensei made a special request on your behalves, I'll go easy on everybody today," Anko smirked, removing her hands from her pockets to clap Iruka on the back.

Iruka quashed all feelings of impending doom and shot the class a confident grin. "Thank you, Anko-san."

"Alright, let's begin, class! Who here can tell me what sort of shinobi weapons are out there?" Anko began, twisting her face into a cheery grin that revealed far too many teeth.

Complete silence spread throughout the room. Anko's fake smile became increasingly strained before it made a 180 and became a scowl. She pointed at a girl in the front row. "You there, brat. Say something," she demanded.

"A k-k-k-katana?"

The kunoichi nodded her agreement. "Correct. That wasn't so hard, was it? Any others?"

Enthused by their classmate's success, the rest of the children began calling out answers.

"Senbon."

"Exploding tags."

"Kunai."

"Shuriken!"

"Perfect! I can see Iruka-sensei's taught you some good stuff," Anko responded, nodding in Iruka's direction. Her expression became serious as the class quieted down. "Those are all great weapons, BUT, there are going to be some missions where your kunai and shuriken won't be available to you. As shinobi, we must be resourceful. Sharp, pointy objects are _not_ the only weapons available. And _that's_ what I'm here to teach you kids about today."

The students leaned forward in anticipation.

Anko glanced over her shoulder at Iruka, flashing a cheeky grin. He gave her the go-ahead. "Are you ready for this, kids?" she asked the class dramatically.

The students began cheering.

Anko threw off her coat, revealing…a complete and utter lack of clothing.

Iruka's nose erupted like a volcano, spewing about four liters of blood. He fell over on the ground, twitching uncontrollably.

The students stared at her silently, a few of the younger children's jaws dropping. Anko sauntered across the front of the room and back, and then twirled slowly to fully showcase her nudity, lecturing as she paced. "Now, kids, sometimes the best weapon you've got is your body! We, as shinobi, are in peak physical condition, which most people find _attractive_." She punctuated the word with a wiggle of her bottom and an eyelash flutter. "I can remember many missions where I gleaned valuable information from men and women alike without using _any _weapons at all. Instead of making threats, I used sexual intercourse to _seduce_ them. This has the advantage of not leaving a messy trail of corpses behind _and_ ensuring that you can speak to the target again in the future."

Nearly everybody in the room was now gushing blood out of their noses. The janitor was going to have a terrible time cleaning up all of the blood after class.

"Did you say men _and_ women? Don't you have to be a _boy_ to make a girl fall in love with you?" a soon-to-be-no-longer-innocent child quavered.

Anko giggled and leaned in towards the class conspiritually. "Some women prefer the love of other women, just like some men prefer to be with other men."

"B-but I don't understand how that would work!"

The kunoichi stood back up again. "Okay, the question is, how do women make love to other women. That's a great question, and the answer is simple. The trick lies in skilled use of the tongue and hands—"

Iruka finally recovered and leapt into action, violently clapping one hand over Anko's mouth and using the other to snatch her coat up and cover her with it. "Okay, that's enough for today, class. Everyone thank Anko-san!" he laughed nervously.

His guest speaker shot him a dirty look, biting his hand viciously. Iruka yelped, releasing her mouth. "Your _nose_ is bleeding all over my coat," she grumbled.

"What happens next, Anko-san?" one of the boys asked excitedly.

The kunoichi grinned brightly, glad that Iruka hadn't ruined her…presentation. "Well, _I _find that the most effective method for me is to—"

"Class dismissed early today!" Iruka hollered over Anko's lecturing.

Anko scowled murderously. "Spoilsport," she spat.

Reluctantly, the class trickled out of the classroom. "Just when we were about to learn something cool!" one of the little girls sighed.

"You're not going to learn those methods until much, much later," Iruka darkly muttered under his breath. He frantically wrapped the coat around Anko as tightly as he could.

A wicked grin spread across Anko's face. "Would _you_ like to learn about my methods, sensei?" she purred meaningfully, draping herself across his shoulders. "I'm a wonderful teacher."

Iruka fled the room.

* * *

**Omake:**

Team Gai had just been called on an emergency D-rank mission at the Academy. All four of them sprinted towards the assigned classroom and skidded to a stop to keep from tripping over the terrified janitor.

"Thank God you're all here to help me clean up. This is _not_ in my job description," he spluttered, dropping his mop and running out the door. "It's a school of children, for God's sake!"

"Neji!" Might Guy barked. "What are we cleaning? Is it safe?"

"Byakugan!" Neji muttered, scanning the room through the door quickly. He uttered a little gasp of horror. "No one inside, there's just—"

Lee burst through the doorway and immediately lost his balance on a slick patch of blood.

"—a lot of blood," Neji finished, deactivating his bloodline.

The four of them scanned the room, which appeared as if a massacre had taken place inside. Smears and puddles of blood covered everything in the classroom.

Tenten spotted the chalkboard that proclaimed: Lesson on Ninja Weapons; Speaker: Anko Mitarashi. "Oy, that's not fair! How could Iruka-sensei have failed me on that mission! At least when _I_ was finished, the room wasn't covered in blood!" she huffed.


End file.
